5 great ways to start hating yourself today!

by Josh

Oh, how much we would love to tell all these pampered, positive world-savers to stick their stuff where the sun don’t shine.
They want you to become one of them.
They want your soul.
But hey, we all know how much cooler the dark side of the force is
(we have AT-ATs and star destroyers 🙂 )

1.
Compare yourself with others all the time  
the internet is packed with people who are better than you in any way imaginable,
go and compare yourself to all of ’em, which is sure to infinitely darken your day.
But even without the internet you can always find people that are better than your pityable self.

2.
Surround yourself with negative, spiteful folk.
This one is crucial, ignore ‘yay-sayers’ where you can!
Stay away from positive people who could motivate or challenge you, they are not worth the trouble.
(Definitely refuse any offers for free hugs)

3.
Focus on what is missing in your life
A healthy focus on your shortcomings and how poor and ugly you are can really help with developing a healthy sense of self-disgust.
Consider the pony you never got and that rat-bastard of ex-boyfriend.
The nice thing is, this goes automatic and you can share it around, so you can participate in:

3.1
Small talk
Never talk big or positive. Do not praise others. As long as you never keep conversations about the weather and common complaints, you will never have to risk feeling good about yourself.

3.1.1
Gossip
You might be worried, because gossip can actually make you feel great.
It’s so easy to find common ground and make friends that way.
But don’t worry, deep down you know that you are hurting people.
People will fear you, for you might know something about them.

4.
Stay inside (your comfort zone)
This one is gold!
Don’t try and stretch the boundaries of what you think you can do.
Never go exploring or trying new things.
The world is not an oyster, it’s a bag of old fries and the deeper you dig, the smaller and saltier they become. Stay on the surface where they are nice and saucey.
Embrace your inner couch potato.

5.
Be right
Make sure to win every argument, no matter how trivial.
Never admit that you are or were ever wrong about anything.
Do not tell people that you are sorry when you screwed up.
Never contact old friends and hate your parents for your lousy childhood.
You can also be right about all the stuff that you want but never had and your body and life in general.

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